Sad in Beijing

surfer1201 — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 05:24:42 +0000

It was last Friday, Dec. 4th. in the late evening. My chinese, nearly 4 year long GF and me decided to take a break. I was hit hard by that, but as it was the first time that we didn’t had an argument but a rather calm talk, i decided to realy listen and then moved out on sunday. To be honest i am suffering, i mean realy suffering, it feels like a cold fist squeezing my heart so that i can literally barely breath. Things getting dark around you and you loose any energy, just functioning like a living dead. I wish i could do something, but the rest of energy i have brings me throught the day, through the darkness, the emptyness. I realy want to survive this and not loose the battle, but the “suicide demon’ has come back. I saw him last time 10 years ago and i actually thought i beat him, but here he is again, whispering the easy way out into my ear. I just hope i don’t listen too closely.

Monday, 21st December 2009

Its now 2 weeks that we decided to “separate” and every day was like hell. I hate myself for being so sensitive or better for being so “weak”. People tell me, they don’t understand why it affects me so much. The truth is, that it affects me in ways nobody can imagine. It feels like my heart is bleeding and i try to stop the drain of blood pouring out of my heart, but i can’t. so i have to watch, how my bloeed, my life energy is dripping away, hour for hour, day by day. I feel helpless and i am worried that there will be a situation where i can’t control that urge to end the pain, to choose the easy way out. I want to fight, i want to win…..but i also want the pain to go away…..

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Sad in Beijing